Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.