I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
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Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
God has left this place
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it