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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Not today.. 😂
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….