Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil