“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please