Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
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“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
6: are snakes just neck?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel