“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.