“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Wait a minute
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
WTF IS THAT!
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Hank is one in a melon.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”