“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”