When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
it be like that
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
S M O L
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is