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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
This cat wants you to take your pills
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.