If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Worst perfume name ever.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
ibopfufen
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.