only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
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I think costco should be the next president of the united states
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.