only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.