Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
North and South
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’