@bourgeoisalien: Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens....hold on, I have a list.
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@peachesanscream: New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him :( He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
@Jennuflect: [me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
@vinnycrack: Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away
@daemonic3: Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs? *clicks keyboard furiously* *adds 17 emojis*