Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room