Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*