Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that