“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
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With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?