<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “