@Shira: Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have...
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@brookeisgolden: An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time. The bartender says, "I'm gonna need to see your cardigan."
@kyry5: The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
@fillthevacuum: Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.
@MartaEffing: I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.