Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…