@WineMummy: Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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@seamussaid: I may toss the cat into my teen's room when he snoozes his alarm if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that's his own fault
@murrman5: [first day as funeral director] this is the dress she wants to be buried in "It's very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin"
@davidbfunny: Dear waiter, You messed up my order because you didn't write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip. Love, David