Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn鈥檛 had a phone for long but he鈥檚 somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that鈥檚 the shit
Demon: same time next week?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
things are bad enough, today i鈥檓 playing goodminton
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I鈥檓 going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
There is no try. There is only give up.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn鈥檛 jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 馃檪
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 馃槙
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Friend: I鈥檓 visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won鈥檛 stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
do u think theres a butter planet?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent鈥檚 confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.