I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Home is where your toilet is.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Trumpy Cat
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”