@Brenton_Rodgers: Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
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@ImAlexOliver: Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn't satisfy me anymore.
@ShaunRightNow: I'm married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.
@Fred_Delicious: "Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?" "you mean cheese?" [waiter struggling to keep bowl covered] "that does make more sense actually"
@Brampersandon_: *fart noise* ME: it was your dog. I swear! GIRL: my dog died last year you liar GHOST DOG: theres no way she's gonna sleep with you now lmao