I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic