I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings