A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Forever 21… pounds overweight
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I put the p in pants.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
good for her
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.