@WilliamRodgers: ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool...
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@JohnLyonTweets: Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility. Puffer fish: Dammit.
@JessObsess: ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: I signed you both up for Tinder *1 week later ME: You still want a divorce? THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
@ihateitmunky: guy who's about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing? Me: ..ya know what i don't even want it fixed
@Tw1tter_K1tten: My whole life is like when you're talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.