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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
this has to be peak English
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”