Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
You Might Also Like
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Feel. He’s so soft.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.