were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
As the Lord intended
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.