“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
twitter users today:
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks