Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
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I found your tweet-up…
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Breaking news:
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Breaking news:
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.