Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
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I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position