@baeblacksheep: ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car's shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I'm sexy.
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@ddsmidt: People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence.
@the_anastasia: It's funny how all those "best places in the world" lists always forget to include the Internet.
@jeffswarens: After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"