ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
😂😂😂
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
🤣🤣🤣
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.