ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia