Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.