7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
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Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.