*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
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I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one