Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.