Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.