Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.