Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
You Might Also Like
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.