[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.