oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Facebook marketplace is a different world
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler