@iAmJuddy: "Oooo, a window. Let's see if I can fly through it." - Dumbass birds
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@Sadieisonfire: I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish
@SaulOdenkirk: Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention.. Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too? Boss: No.. Me: Good talk
@naughtywriter2: I have a friend whose thighs don't touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
@thepatrickwalsh: My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.