“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
TRAIN’S HERE
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?