“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
and now we wait
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
How to find Kentucky on a map
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.