Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”