Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
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Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”