Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.