Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I told my vodka about you.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money