@peaceintruth1: I'm at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don't have to touch the handle.

@bobvulfov: [audition for a vampire tv show] ME: as u can see in my headshots, i'm a vampire CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos ME: exactly

@SteveKoehler22: The original "Ben Hur" was a mega hit movie ....with ( 11 ) Oscars. The remake is a box office flop. A clear case of "Ben Hur, Done That"

@WheelTod: [Dark alley at midnight] *Knife-wielding punk approaches Me: “Don't make me do something I might regret...” *Punk sneers & raises knife *I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

@djdarrellripley: I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world! (Sigh) I just don't know what to keep it in....