Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
You Might Also Like
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I’m not wrong
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
he chose this
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat